cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
my name if I was in the mob
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
They also CAN sing✌️
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.