The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday