Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
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Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.