ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.