My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
True.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Please do it!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.