4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
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becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.