911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.