Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
They should invent clothes that get fat with you