*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
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landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start