My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter