Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]