Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
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it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.