Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Spring of Deception
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.