Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I’m giving up for Lent.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.