*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
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Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.