My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
You Might Also Like
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
584.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
This was the best day of my life
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.