me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.