How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
@funTweeters
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???