Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
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Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
this FaceApp is creepy af
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!