my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.