My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
next question.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
good work, detective
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.