[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under