I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
You Might Also Like
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.