Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!