I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that