“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
You Might Also Like
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.