Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You Might Also Like
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Facebook Twitter
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Finally a use for spoilers…
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
just got my engagement photos
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao