Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
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“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
what day is it?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
selena gomez
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Girl, same.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs