A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
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It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
the three branches of government
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application