her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation