Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.