Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
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My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Thrilling chase underway
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why