Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
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‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Aight bet
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.