I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Is your wife single?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something