If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
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“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
#SaturdayBears