ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that