[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
😂🤣😂🤣
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL