Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
🍛
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?