Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Chicago sounds lovely.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Sorry. Not sorry
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists