“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
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I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.