me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Bike is short for Bichael.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Saw your ex at the shops
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”