The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.