10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
These are too funny not to post 😂
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.