Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.