doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
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I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Ah..makes sense now
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.