-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.