And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people