Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
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It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours