Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
How funny!
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”