Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.